Monday, April 17

Feline Frolics

Like the Gnome, you have probably been following a recent human, or rather feline, interest story closely. It has been front page news in New York, regular updates provided on television, and even the BBC picked up the story. It is of course Molly the cat and her fortnight stay within the walls of a Manhattan delicatessen.

The Gnome is delighted of course that Molly is safe and sound, but wonders a little about the sanity of the initial rescue attempts, when a 'pet communicator' was called for.

Strange though it is to relate, Mrs Gnome has actually met a pet communicator* whilst walking Gnome Dog. Apparently through powers unheralded in this age of scientific reason they can (for a negotiated fee) tell owners what their pets are thinking.

Now forgive a little cynicism here, but the Gnome has a pretty good idea what Gnome Dog and Gnome Cats are thinking without handing over any lolly. He would suggest 'walk', 'eat', 'sleep', and 'chase string/ball/stick', would pretty much cover it. Gnome Cats, generally percieved to have a higher intelligence level than Gnome Dog, may perhaps compose more detailed thoughts along the lines of 'eat then sleep' or 'sleep then eat', but even so, not really looking into the mind of Einstein here.

The pet communicator trying to rescue Molly played an audiotape of whale songs to 'give her inspiration'. Far from inspiring to the trapped puss, this would surely terrify it, for when in the evolutionary paradigm were cats ever exposed to whales? Surely the haunting sound of a mating humpbacked whale, so beloved by human beings of a certain sensibility, would be interpreted by the cat as a fearful monster awaiting them outside of their self imposed cocoon? Cats tend to look and act scared at the most innocent of noises, so one might predict their reaction to whale music to be a little on the skittish side.

When the whales failed, the next anthropomorphically induced, doomed-to-failure plan was to bring a small kitten to the hole to try and 'awaken the cat's maternal instinct'. Presuming the kitten was not actually Molly's progeny, how is maternal instinct going to be awakened? Most animals will happily kill any non-genetically linked offspring with nary a thought. Anyway, the Gnome had a female cat once and she displayed all the maternal instincts of Lucretia Borgia.

The BBC ends it's report by saying '...despite the traps, kittens and therapists it appeared it was the drilling through three layers of bricks that finally freed her.'

Really? How surprising...

* The Gnome hopes his restraint from engaging in any attempt to make humourous capital regarding Mrs Gnome out of this sentance is duly noted

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