Thursday, February 1

Bowling the Maidens Over

The Gnome was flicking through ‘The Scotsman’ on the train home last night and read about a recent poll of the World’s 100 Sexiest Men. Not a topic he is particularly drawn to, but naturally he felt obliged to check his ranking in the grand scheme of things. After a thorough examination he can only presume his position remains unchanged at number 101.

Two things struck him though, the first being cricketer Mark Ramprakash’s entry at number 51. An unsurprising result given his wider exposure to the female public after winning ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ for if the Gnome’s female companions past and present are anything to go by, he does appear to have an effect on the ladies.

The Gnome has tried to introduce any number of paramours to the glories of cricket, but has found them completely unmoved by a cunningly disguised Shane Warne flipper or a David Gower cover drive. However, as soon as he points out Ramps things change. Although introduced as an exquisite exponent of the square cut, they seem more attracted to the square jaw. An unhealthy interest in his fine legs follows and then… well let us leave it there before we are drawn unerringly towards discussing his third man.

Enough of this – Mrs Gnome will be drooling over the computer if she senses Ramprakash’s picture being uploaded. That would make the keyboard slimy and difficult to use and the Gnome still has to get to his second point.

Scanning the list, the Gnome’s eye was caught by number 81 and the caption that read ‘David Walliams, bottom’. The Gnome thought this was a little unfair – after all nobody else had a specific body part picked out. It was only on re-reading the paper (it was a long train journey…) he realised it referred to the position of the accompanying picture, not his backside.

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