Tuesday, February 6

“Something for the Weekend, sir? Would you prefer Matt or Gloss?”

It may be a cliché of countryside living, but clichés only become so by dint of accuracy. So it was that the Gnome was leaning on a five barred gate chatting to a local farmer. Alas the image you now have is slightly incomplete in that he was not chewing languidly on an ear of corn, nor wearing a tweed jacket with leather patches at the elbows. But still, as an image of rural idyll, it would be hard to better.

What do you think the Gnome and friend were discussing as they gazed out over the rolling pastures, sheep dotted about on the horizon? The price of lamb, perhaps? Tony Blair’s disregard for countryside traditions? How to turn red diesel into a useable form for your personal car and therefore avoid paying the duty? (A pair of used stockings and activated charcoal if you must know...)

Well actually, we were discussing sex toys.

Somebody once told the Gnome that farming was basically all about sex, but he never expected to have such a conversation with an aging farmer. What was particularly amusing though was the opening line into discussing them…

I see that the Asda has started selling those Dulux Sensations Cock Rings.”

A phrase that suggested next to the products in question would be sample colour strips so one could accessorise according to your bedroom colour scheme… 'Changing Rooms' should come to the countryside occasionaly - could make for interesting viewing...

P.S. The Gnome knows many of his readers are of a conservative nature, lacking the worldly-wise insouciance of the Gnome himself. Given that, you will just have to take his word when he tells you the photo is indeed a cock ring.

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